Observing my clients treat themselves harshly is one of my most common experiences as a therapist. We’re so good at it, aren’t we? We criticize and shame ourselves at any perceived failing or weakness. We can even be tempted to believe self-criticism will make us stronger or more successful. I say “we” because I have the same temptations, even though I know the truth about self-criticism and self-compassion! I’m a work in progress, too. Here is what I wish everyone knew about self-compassion.
Self-compassion won’t make you “lazy.”
According to research, we are actually more likely to engage in healthy behaviors – like going to the doctor, drinking less, and exercising. Compassion creates a mindset toward long-term well-being, so we’re actually the opposite of lazy. (Extra trip: Challenge your belief that laziness exists at all.)
Self-compassion doesn’t mean you lower your standards.
People with high standards and driven to succeed often believe that self-criticism will keep them motivated. Research shows this is not the case. In fact, we’re still motivated because we care about ourselves and our longterm well-being. An added bonus is that we don’t beat ourselves up when we make mistakes or fail.
Self-compassion doesn’t mean you’re selfish.
Showing ourselves kindness actually helps us give to others. Research shows that we’re more compassionate to others, more forgiving, and more willing to compromise.
Self-compassion isn’t the same as self-esteem.
Self-compassion isn’t a judgment on your worth, while self-esteem by definition is confidence in your worth. When we show ourselves kindness we are also acknowledging that we have successes and failures, good days and bad days. We recognize that all humans, including ourselves, have worth even when we’re not showing up at our best.
Take action
This blog post has been inspired by Dr. Kristin Neff’s research. I encourage you to learn more about how compassion can change your relationship with yourself, and therefore change your relationships with others. For now, take this quiz by Dr. Neff to see where you may have room to grow. Afterward, give one of her suggested practices a try. Let me know how it goes.